The Dirty Bulk

Who said that being an athlete meant having to sacrifice? Want to add years to your life expectancy and then instantly shave them off? Welcome to Bulk City.

This is the practice of increasing caloric intake as fast as possible by eating whatever you like, whenever you like, however you like. After consulting a medical brofessional and getting the fist-bump of approval, the road to unlimited gains begins. Want to move up a weight class? Want to break that bench plateau? Want to make your family and friends concerned for your well-being? You’ve come to the right place.

1) Make everybody jealous

On the dirty bulk you can literally eat whatever you want, all the time. If you ever feel hungry – you’re doing it wrong. Want a bowl full of ice-cream as a post-breakfast snack? Go for it. Need to add peanut butter to that Mars bar? Be our guest. Can’t sleep without your bedtime cheesecake? Have at it.

The people around you will start to judge you – but know that they’re just envious. While they’re nibbling on salad you’re tearing through your second serving of tenderloin. They are questioning their life choices, and rightly so – Atkins is a lie. Stick to your 3 square meals, you square.

2) Become a connoisseur

Jealousy isn’t the only thing to be gained from your new found dietary excesses; the freedom to eat whatever you like will transform you into a culinary genius.

What has more calories than foie gras for brunch? Where better to reach your carb #macros than the trattorias of Italia? Why not wash it all down with copious amounts of rich Irish whiskey? The necessity to increase your meal count and up your portion sizes opens you up to a whole new world of possibilities. Become a foodie!

You’re no longer bound by the realms of social conformity – sushi is an acceptable option 24/7. Indulge your palate with new and exciting treats – a second Turkish dessert can now be even more delightful. China has produced some of the strongest athletes on the planet, and we’ll be damned if that isn’t justification for a nightly order of Szechuan ribs. Use this time to explore!

3) Winter warmer

Now, bulking isn’t always cheap. When the peanut butter and double cream get old, the more extravagant dishes can start to take a toll on your wallet. Here we’ll try to make an economic argument for the dirty bulk.

The first stage of the bulk is rapid weight gain – and truth be told – that ain’t all gonna be muscle. What that does mean however is that you’ll start to benefit from a layer of ‘personal insulation’. That extra cushion is going to make you instantly more cuddly. Forget the cash cash money that you’ll save on your winter heating bills – you’ll be toasty warm from all of the extra hugs you’ll be receiving on the regular.

You’ll look more approachable by going from Ted Bundy to Teddy Bear. No need for a scarf this Xmas, shorts are now an option for you. I’ll leave you with one question: who do you love more, Asterix or Obelix?

4) Wardrobe update

Don’t underestimate this choice, it’s a big lifestyle change. You’ll need determination, patience, and also – new clothes. Did someone say shopping spree?

For starters, you’ll need new jeans; that new squat PB comes at a price. Don’t think for a second that that new XL peach is going to fit into those slim fit jeans. You’re now invited to wear ‘muscle fit’ clothing – how about a Power Shirt to go with that Power Tie? And my friends, it’s probably time to throw away that stringer vest – the dirty bulk ain’t got time for that mirror flexing.

5) Super Saiyan Strength

What you lose in definition you’ll more than make up for in strength. The extra calories and muscle mass will take you to a new level of gains. Losing your 6-pack for 3 months is well worth the sacrifice. Your Bruce Banner days are over, and you aren’t going to be mad at that.

Your bench will sky-rocket, you’ll finally enjoy the OHP, and all of your old PBs will become remnants of the past. You’ll recover faster but also be able to dish out more punishment to those poor weights. Come and join the rest of the MonStars in the paint.

6) Mad respect

As you shuffle sideways through the gym doors, you’ll be greeted with nods of approval and admiration. The SHW has arrived to sit on the throne as the prince of dumbBell Air. People will make room for you, give way to you, and shave sets off of their workouts for you. The gym manager has just finished polishing the ‘RESERVED’ plaque on your favourite rack. The instant respect you gain from the combination of your mass and strength increases is palpable.

No f*ckboys are going to come over to you spouting their P90X broscience, nobody is going to ask you how many sets you have left. Entering the literal Big Leagues means that you can have the run of the gym. My swol gals aren’t going to get creeped on, and my big bois will be left to hibernate in peace between sets.

When everyone knows that you’ve done away with the vanity of checking out your cut lines in the mirrors, no judgement is possible, because you’re not even judging yourself. If you’re willing to ignore your BMI, the pain in your chest, and your doctor; glory is there for the taking!